Steep Church 5/5/07 (Spoof)

I suppose the Master should have been a bit suspicious when hunt supporter Gill White, invited him to have a meet at Steep Church in May. But the poor chap is so desperate he would hunt hounds in Trafalgar Square if red Ken invited him! He didn't even seem to notice Gill's rather unusual hunting attire as she joined him hacking to the meet. Arriving at the church on his favourite hunter, Stanley, he noticed there was an unusually high turnout of foot followers, who were very smartly dressed - even the vicar had turned out in full regalia! The Master was just preening himself - imaging that the large turnout was because of his fame - when Gill dropped the bombshell that she had only asked him along in case her intended, Andrew "Long" Marks, made a bolt for it.

But there was no need to worry because there Long was, smartly dressed, waiting by the church, although looking back on it, he did seem to have a bit of nervous look about him. So the scene was set for a beautiful wedding and the Master turned his attentions to one of the bridesmaids, telling her all about his film appearances - somewhat exagerated as usual!

Suddenly a cry of "View Haloo" went up as the groom was seen slipping away behind the church,"Tally ho" screamed the bride. Catching the vicar by the back of his dog collar and swinging him up onto the back of her horse she screamed at the Master, "Quick, catch him," causing him to drop the bridesmaid and climb back on board Stanley. Jumping the wall into the church graveyard, he was lucky to stay on board when Stanley shied at the grave of well known hunt saboteur, Citronella Benthorn. Hounds settled to the line while a number of keen hunting guests decided there was no way they were going to miss out on a hunt and climbed on board a carriage being drawn by a couple of Shires.

Local farmers attending the wedding also got a bit carried away and one yelled, "come on lads, they're not going without us!" Unfortunately a couple of guests had parked their cars in front of the tractors. Have you ever seen 2 tons of tractor go over the top of a car? I have! Twice!!

So the hunt was on and after a couple of circuits of the graveyard, the groom broke through the foot followers jumped the church wall and set his mask for Petersfield. The mounted followers again cleared the wall in style, but it has to be said that the carriage and tractors made a bit of a hash of it. Hounds did well to stick to the line as the groom tried to foil them by running through the sewage works. As the hounds entered the town, there was a short check while amateur whipper-in, Kim, popped into the beauty parlour to get her legs waxed! However hounds were soon back on the line and racing by the Post Office, where the carriage horses had to be pulled up, to remove a pensioner who had got wedged into one of the horses feet. No need to worry though, the horse was perfectly sound and was able to continue. There was another short check at Boots while the Master picked up his medication and Gill bought some valium for the vicar, who was by now gibbering incoherently and constantly crossing himself. The local Police had turned out in force to act as hunt saboteurs and try to stop the hunt. For a while the sirens on their panda cars did disrupt the hounds concentration a little, but the farmers' tractors soon remedied the problem, by turning them into what I believe the Americans call "compacts"! Meanwhile, the groom was tiring and only yards in front of the hounds as he entered Waitrose, where they caught him by the soft fruits. As the groom was now drowning under gallons of slobber the vicar, looking a little pale, turned to the bride and asked her if she wanted him to administer the last rites or carry out the wedding ceremony. Fortunately it was the latter and thus everyone had had a good day. Except for the vicar, who is currently being kept away from sharp objects and recovering in a secure wing of the Petersfield Mental Hospital.

Anon.

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